Who could capture 18 months of motherhood in a blog entry? Not I, says the old grey fox. I will not even try to capture it all, but hopefully I can type some highlights for posterity.
Our sweet little dude is 18 months old. We’ve been watching all the milestones pass with great joy and so much love, it’s just crazy. First steps, then walking, then running and throwing balls around the house. Babbling, then shrieking, laughing, and little tiny bits of words. He currently says “mama”, “dada”, “ball”, “night night” and “nana” (banana) with regularity. He imitates more than a few different animal sounds, and he understands EVERYTHING we say. Loves playing patty-cake and trying to do the hand motions with itsy bitsy spider.
We’ve had no major health challenges to date, except for a 2-day stay in the hospital in March 2018 when little bub was diagnosed with asthma. For our relative good health, I am very grateful.
We’ve recently made the (very difficult and much discussed) decision to transfer our one remaining frozen embryo and see what happens. Initially, we decided we were happy with our one baby (of course!) and since hubby isn’t getting any younger, we thought perhaps the best option would be not doing a transfer. If one decides not to transfer a frozen embryo, the options are: (a) donate to another couple, (b) donate to science, or (c) thaw and discard. Neither of us were comfortable with the first option, and I tried for months to decide which of the two latter options seemed like the right choice. In the end, I felt I could not live with a decision other than transferring the final embryo, so I brought this dilemma to hubby and he agreed that we could give it a go.
So we are here in July (almost August) of 2018 and we are rolling the dice. Prepping for the frozen transfer has been strange – I almost forgot the feeling of walking through those doors in the fertility center. Sitting in the waiting area, I felt like an imposter. I wondered how many times I had sat in the same waiting area next to other women who I assumed were childless like myself at the time, but who were mothers, as I am today.
We meet with the doctor later this week to take care of finances, paperwork, and receive our schedule for the frozen transfer. There will be injections, a practice transfer, and then the transfer itself.
In all of this, I am trying to trust that we are doing the right thing in God’s eyes, whatever that may be. For me, in this very personal decision of my heart, I am honestly not sure what the best choice for our family could be (another child, or not another child) but fortunately, that part is up to God alone. The only thing that I know for certain is that the remaining frozen embryo deserves a chance at becoming a new life. It’s funny, I was initially very disappointed that we only had one frozen embryo – only one more chance for a baby! Today, I am grateful that it’s only one and I do not have to decide the fate of several more frozen potential lives. We will transfer the one and let God do the deciding.
Much love to all the parents out there – making decisions for our current and future families is not easy. Wishing you peace in your decision-making today. Xo.